Camel Couture (Rated PG)

The other day I visited a lady who told me that her nephew worked down in The City for Ralph Lauren’s company.  His job was to think up things other ladies could put on and look good in; if they were all 5′ 10″ , weighed 98 pounds and were named Barbie, and you had a lot of money lying around.

She tells me that once he called her to say one of the bosses phoned him to meet her at the airport on Friday night.  They were going to Paris.  They land in Paris and hit the ground running.  For the next 48 hours they hardly sleep, buying cloth and thread and baubles and bangles to go back to some ugly building on Seventh Avenue in The City and make stuff for skinny rich ladies that they’ll wear once and throw away; after paying a few large for the privilege.

I am thinking about this guy and his boss when I read about what happens a couple of weeks ago in Massachusetts.  Down there, in the People’s Republic, some lady who is Dean of a College of Pharmacology, puts out the word that no one can wear something called a “burka” or something else called a “niqab” on the campus.  Both of these things are stuff that ladies wear when they are Muslims.  They help to cover up everything.  This is so that Muslim men won’t be tempted.

I am wondering something, now.  I am wondering if, since most Arabs are Muslims, and most Arabs like camels, whether or not Muslim ladies wear these things because they look like camels and don’t want to tempt the men.  Don’t get me wrong, here.  I’m not disrespecting Arab or Muslim women at all; or camels.  I mean, this stuff is all in their book, about ladies being covered up and stuff so the men won’t be tempted.  For all I know they could be really good looking.  I mean don’t boy camels like girl camels?  The normal ones, anyway.  Last thing I need is some angry Arab guy showing up on my doorstep with a big lump in his underpants ready to light the fuse and blow up the neighborhood.

Anyway, if I have my facts correct, Muslim ladies dress like this because God wants them to.  Maybe because he knows Muslim men.  I understand lots of ladies in places like Denmark and Sweden know Muslim men.  Rapes are way up in Sweden and Denmark, and a lot of the rapists are Muslim men  and some Imams (that’s Muslim guys who know the book God wrote about women being all covered up) say its because the women ain’t; covered up or camels, I think.

It’s right there in the Koran like I said, which is the Muslim manual, written by God.  Most of the stuff Muslims do is done because God wants them to; like blowing up planes with bombs in their underwear; or shooting up mosques and throwing bombs into markets and hotel lobbies to kill people who are either praying, trying to have a good time or looking for something to eat.  Maybe praying, trying to have a good time or buying groceries is something God doesn’t want done.  I mean he doesn’t want Muslim women to look too much like camels.  Right?  Go figure.

So, this place in Massachusetts which says that students can’t walk around all covered up anymore  used to have a student there who is a Muslim.  His last name is Mehenna.

That rhymes with Gehenna.  Funny, ain’t it?

I don’t remember what his first name is, but call him Mohammad.  That don’t rhyme with much.  Seems like every other Muslim guy’s named that anyway.  He’s in jail, now, waiting to go on trial for trying to blow up something or other, which I suspect he read was one of the ways Muslims get to heaven.  They don’t have a Fifth commandment.  And, after he gets arrested for trying to be a good Muslim the Dean of students at this college makes a rule everyone’s got to look and dress normal, not like they were trying to hide something; a camel’s hump or underpants full of  dynamite.

I figure this rule, which is really only common sense, will last about as long as the average rule which says Mom and Dad get to know if their twelve year old daughter is going to get an abortion lasts; which is about as long as it takes the ACLU lawyers to get across the street to the courthouse and yell, “Time out!”  What’s common sense got to do with keeping people from killing other people?

Well, common sense or not, I figure my friend’s nephew is going to be making an awful lot of hectic weekend trips to Paris if this no “burka and hiqab” if thing does last and catches on; all of them uncovered oil princesses will need to buy dresses. The “burkas and hiqabs?  Give ’em to the Swedish and Danish ladies who ain’t been raped yet.

I ain’t too worried about the men.  There’s still all them naked camels.


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