I have been given an advance copy of the speech the president will give tonight in his first address to the nation from the Oval Office. Here it is:
“Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I appear here tonight because, well, because a lot of stuff is happening that most folks find awful, but that I find hopeful, and I thought I’d just let you know a few of these things that folks are doing about the awful stuff that is really hopeful.
First of all I want to assure everyone in the country that I have seen and understand the problem down in the Caribbean. I have walked on the beaches, and looked at the birds. I have looked out over the water and listened to the oily waves flop on the oil soaked sand. In all of this I have found a reason for hope. I am on top of this and feel a full measure of hope in the outcome. As the last great democrat to hold this office before me once said in another time of national crisis, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and my ugly wife Eleanor.”
Well, she’s no longer here, so there’s one problem solved.
As for the rest of the problems facing us, I have done what is expected of me, of every president in this situation, and appointed a body of experts to come up with a broad range of solutions. I have directed that they conduct an exhaustive study of the situation and report to me what they have found out and what they propose to do about it. In that way, you will be able to blame them, since they are the experts, and I can slide out from under (no pun intended) this whole mess.
So there’s something to be hopeful about, even if it’s only me being hopeful.
Don’t worry, though, because I have come up with a pretty good solution my own self, and ordered the Coast Guard to implement it right away. As I speak, we are nationalizing Bounty paper towels. Tomorrow their total production will be directed toward the manufacture of paper towels devoted solely to being used to soak up all the oil spilled along the Gulf Coast. I have conducted my own tests in the matter, directing the White House chef to spill barbecue sauce all over the table in the East room and timing the staff on the clean up process.
They took an average of thirty seconds to clean each table. The ones I spilled Olive Oil on required a second application of Windex after the initial clean up, so I have nationalized the entire production of that product, too, and directed the Air Force to stand by with a fleet of KC-135 tankers to spray the really gunky beaches with Windex after the 101st Airborne has been dropped into the “Mop-Up” Zones with the Bounty towels.
The whole thing will be carried live on Oprah, who as you know is from Chicago.
Last but not least, you all know how much Michelle, my lovely wife, is pushing a national weight loss program. Well, I asked her to help out, here, and she has come up with a reaally great idea to lower the nation’s consumption of gasoline and other petroleum products. From today, it will be a national policy for every citizen to lose twenty pounds. That way, there will be less weight for each vehicle to carry around and less fuel to be expended in doing it.
After the tables were all cleaned off Michelle had the girls sit down and figure out how many barrels of oil less a new slimmer, trimmer USA would need to drive us back and forth. They figured that the total savings would match to the ounce the amount now pouring out of that well down at the bottom of the Gulf.
So, you see, there really isn’t anything to get excited over. We all lose twenty pounds, except me since I haven’t got that much to lose anyway, and we wipe out the problem without even getting our feet wet. That us being the solution to our own problem. That’s the Obama way!
I like getting together like this, and telling you things that will keep up your hopes and spirits.
Oh, I think I’m supposed to say, and God bless the United States. Umm, Ok.”