People all over this land are interested in wondering about one thing. Who let the dogs out? The dogs in this little piece about getting to the bottom of things are the filthy B***ards who stormed, and are still storming, the embassies and consulates of these Untied States of America in almost every place we have one beginning on September 11, 2012, yet another day that will Live in Infamy…for an entirely different reason.
How did it happen that we were caught with our pants down? Hell not only down, but completely off. How did it happen that no one knew a damn thing about what was coming? How did it happen that in Libya, a place where we played such a big part in freeing people from a dictator, our little piece of Amurriker was attacked…not demonstrated in front of…but attacked by a well trained and coordinated group, and we knew nothing about it?
You will remember, children, that in order for peace to prevail among nations, they have been in the habit of sending representatives one to another, to live in each other’s countries and to help in the conduct of the business of life in a dignified and peaceful fashion. The persons so sent and the places where they live and work are considered to be sovereign and are placed under the protection of the hosting nation so guarantees of safety and sovereignty may be assured. or, something like that.
OK? OK, then.
So, what happened just a few days ago? Well, if one believes the current fabulous tale being spun out of the our Capitol and throughout this land of mine and yours by the minions of truth, justice and the American Way, what happened was that some small time film maker made a film out in La-La Land which was never really completed, and never shown in a theater, and never released directly to DVD and never appeared anywhere except in a terribly disjointed 18 minutes long “trailer” on You Tube, that well known location for blockbuster film premiers and whacko attempts at God-Only-Knows-What-But-It-Certainly-Ain’t-Cinema.
Some enterprising artiste dubbed the thing in Arabic, a language spoken by a goodly percentage of the world’s murderers, and things hit the fan. So, it’s really all our fault. Time for the sad music and another apology. And, it all happened too quickly and too quietly for anyone to know about before hand, or believe you me steps would have been taken. We have promised to do so in the past, haven’t we? How many times have we promised to take steps? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Well it is starting to become clear that this is not, erm, the truth. This happens to the best of my ability to figure out, about a month or so ago. You will read in this article by a reporter named Caroline Glick that originally appeared in an AUSTRALIAN newspaper that some Mooselimb TV station in Egypt runs the film a whole month ago. The “film” itself is finished a whole year ago. Nobody really does a thing for w while. Are they waiting? These guys who run the thing are Salami Mooselimbs, or something like that, intellectually and doctrinally the rough equivalent of the snake handlers down in West Virginny. But, by God, they know blasphemy when they see it, and know what to do. I am sure you can imagine the Rev. Joe-Jim Bob Haystacks from East Mudgulch organizing an attack on, oh, say the Albanian Embassy here because some Albanian said something ugly about JEEEZUZ?
Yeah, neither can I. Yet, that’s what happened, even after we apologized for it and said, “Please don’t hate us.” Well, that’s what they want us to believe happened.
This thing appeared a MONTH ago? Really? Yep, a month. And to top it all off, we knew something dangerous was this way coming. We had been warned, we had been told, we’d heard it staid
Then we had time to get ready, right? So you’d think. Instead we went out for lunch and played a little golf, the weather being good for that.
AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION INSERTED AS RELIEF FROM THIS TEDIOUS INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST STUFF
“Hello, Madame Secretary. This is Ambassador Stevens.”
“Why yes, Ambassador. I was just talking with the President and Secretary of Defense about you. September 11 is coming up and…”
“Funny thing, that’s why I placed this call. I’m in Geneva now, and I just got word from Under Secretary Blivot’s team at State that the Freedom Fighters in Benghazi are planning an attack on the Consulate down there.”
“Of course they are, Chris. You don’t mind me calling you Chris, do you? We heard all about it yesterday. The place is going to explode. Well, what can you expect?”
“Oh, cool. I thought I’d get a couple of guys together and fly down to get killed, take one for the team, so to speak. You could blame it all on that idiot out in California, apologize once again…we missed last month’s apology to Islam…and make a lot of points with the voters for our irenic response to irrational provocations from whacko film makers in California, a place we stole from the Mexicans.”
“That’s great, Chris. Barry was just wondering if you wouldn’t mind doing something like that. We’ve got the press all primed for that story. That idiot Romney will do something Republican about swift (I hate that damn word.) response and forceful measures, and we can take the high road. It should give us a really good poll bounce.”
“I’m happy to. Hillary. Say,you don’t mind me calling you Hillary, do you?”
“Nah, go ahead. You won’t have long to do it.”
“Good. Then this is goodbye. Have fun. Oh, I’ve already voted.”
“Great. See if you can get the guys who are going to die with you to stuff a few in there for us “White Hats”, ha ha, before they get blown up, willya.”
BACK TO TEDIUM, SERIOUSLY
Now, that conversation never took place, of course. But it certainly seems no other conversation ever took place either; like a short one saying, “Get the hell out of town, quick.” Or, like, “Duck, because in about a minute we are gonna bomb the hell out of everything around you.” And, that can only be due to the fact that the phone lines were down and all communication was cut off between the US and its embassies. Or, maybe it is the fault of Congress and the Republicans who have refused to raise the debt limit and let Uncle Sugar pay his bills and keep the phone working. Who knows. It can’t be because they are all criminally stupid. Can it?
As evidence that sanity reigns in Washington and throughout the government I offer the words of our Ambassador to the United nations…a place which wouldn’t exist without you and me pick up most of the bills… who is on record telling one of the suits on something called “This Week” last week that,..well, you go read it for yourself. I can’t type it, because my attorney tells me that if I do I might become a part of a conspiracy to spread stupidity across the country, and during the past four years we have become more than sufficiently stupid to get us all killed.