What Are You UPTA? Who Cares!

So it’s official.  The White Hose says that thing in Libya was not a bunch of guys who were partying.  It was a terrorist attack.  I read it in a story from CNN.  CNN and MSNBC electronically and the New York Times in print are to the current Administration what Pravda was to the Kremlin, wholly owned subsidiaries.  You read something there about anything those guys do and you can take it to the bank.  Anyway, the CNN story is about that the attack on the Untied States in Libya was a terrorist attack.  But, it was an unplanned terrorist attack.  This is something new, an ominous and foreboding change in tactics, unplanned attacks.  But, it is also a good thing. As long as the terrorists are launching unplanned attacks, there is no use in trying to find out what they are doing.  The terrorists don’t even know.

So when an UPTA happens, we can legitimately say , “Gosh!  We had no idea.”  And, if someone, say a drunk in a bar on Third Avenue, happened to mutter something about the crazy Muslims, we can as well point to the drunk as the cause for all of those embassies being burned to the ground, and avoid having to suffer any criticism for being clueless idiots ourselves.

In addition, there is no need wasting time, money and manpower building up a muscle bound security staff.  In fact, if the UPTF (the Unplanned Terrorist Front) decides not to plan another raid somewhere where there isn’t anybody awake or watching, we can legitimately say their barbaric murderous insanity will not provoke us since no one was home, err, figuratively speaking.  And, since nothing really was lost, our apology for being the victims , here, will not make us look like any bigger fools than we really are.

That probably means that our apologies will not have to be withdrawn, which is a good thing.  When a country goes back on an apology everyone will start to think they are getting ready for a fight.  But if we don’t know who punched us, or why, what’s the good of fighting back.  Better just to say you’re sorry somebody got upset at something and promise it won’t happen again.

Oh, you don’t believe it was a UPTA?  (That’s Washington for Unplanned Terrorist Attack.) Well the folks who should know said it was and that’s enough for me.  Here’s what this guy Carney said:

“It is a fact that there are in post-revolution, post-war Libya armed groups, there are bad actors, hostile to the government, hostile to the West, hostile to the United States and as has been the case in other countries in the region, it is certainly conceivable that these groups take advantage of and exploit situations that develop when they develop to protest against or attack either westerners, Americans, western sites or American sites.”

Not only are they Unplanned Terrorists, but they are also Bad Actors.  That is why the video of some of the unplanned terrorists dragging this dead guy, our recently living former Ambassador to Libya around and screaming “Allahu Akbar.” fools no one when they say they are taking him to the hospital.  What they are doing, really, is dragging him around so they can show everyone how their not-plan worked like a charm.

I have been given a transcript of a cell phone conversation between two members of the UTF (Unplanned Terrorist Front) in Libya.  The boys are ginning up a scheme to kill someone.  Here is my rough translation leaving out all of the profanity and references to sexual prowess, which figures hugely in conversations between terrorists, when they are not talking about murder and eating:

Terrorist 1:  Hello, Uday?”

Terrorist 2:  This is me.  Is this you Jamil?

T1:  It is but I cannot tell you it is.  Someone may be listening.

T2:  That is good.  This isn’t me, either.  For the purposes of this conversation I am The Blood of Hero Martyrs for Ultimate Death to All U.S. People.

T1:   Great name.  Did you think that up by yourself or did someone suggest it?

T2:   I got it from the last issue of Super Jihadist, the one where he kills everything in Europe but the sheep.

T1:  I like that one.  I have every issue of SJ.

T2:  Do not say that, SJ.  Those are the initials of the infidel Jesuits who slaughter Muslim babies and serve them to Catholics at their Christmas.  I can’t wait to kill Jesuits.  That is why I have decided I will go to America to study medicine at Georgetown and kill Jesuits.

T1:  Well, forgive me.  Anyway I called to ask if you are busy tonight.

T2:  Yes, I am.  I am taking my younger brother Abdrule out to rape Christian girls.  It is his first time.

T1:  Ordinarily Blood, I may call you Blood?

T2:  Yes,of course.

Ti:  As I said, ordinarily I would love to join you in helping the faith grow among the infidels, but haven’t you realized that there are no more Christian girls in town?  They have all been raped and become good wives to our Brothers, or they have died by our cleansing swords and knives and guns and RPGs.

T2:  I knew that.  I was going to take him over to Hamid’s sheep herd to practice his technique.  Next week we’re borrowing my uncle’s armored troop carrier for a trip over to Egypt to go raping.

T1:  That can wait.  I have something which is much more important for the spread of the Umma.

T2:  W hat can be more important than bringing into our faith converts who can give us many sons for jihad?

T1:  Well, you have a point. But tonight you must suppress your zeal to convert young girls and join us for an evening of jihad of another kind.  Do you still have your Kalashnikov and enough ammunition for an evening’s, umm, evangelization among the infidels?

T2:  Of course.  I have it along with five large knives for mutilating corpses, one hundred feet of cord for hangings and crucifixions, three rpg’s and some pickling spices , and a blow torch for burning holy names on the bodies of infidels.

T1:  Pickling spices?  No, I won’t ask.  Boy you guys from Abbadabbabad are weird.

T2:  Whatever.  Ok.  Anyway, what and where and how much?

Ti:   I’ll be by with some of the other fellows, The Mostly Cruel Brothers of the Heroic Martyrs of April 5th Brigade, and a few guys from The Vicious and Bloodthirsty Vengeance of the Powers of Heaven on all Infidels Social Club at about 7:00pm.  We’ll all be in Akphoom’s pickup, you know the one he was married in, the one with the 50 caliber machine gun that blew away half of his third wife during the reception.
T2: Yeah, what a laugh.  Her head exploded like a watermelon.  Cool thing was he still kept the goats.  Anyway, what’s going down, or blowing up…which is always more interesting?

T1.  No one’s too sure right now.  But it’s gonna be a lot of fun.  There isn’t much left, really, so we might do two or three places; a couple of churches, and that hospital, and the Ecuadoran Embassy.

T2.  Ecuador?  Why Ecuador?

T1.  It’s the only one still standing.

T2.  Well, let me get something to eat.  My brother will be disappointed, you know.  He’s already 12 and he hasn’t raped a Christian girl yet.  Dammit, I kinda wish we hadn’t burnt down that school and machine gunned all of them when they came running out.

T1:  Who knew? You know I was eight when I started raping.  It was a target rich environment then.  Anyway, bring the kid along.  He can work the blow torch.  We’ll be there in about an hour.

T2.  OK, don’t be late.  I gotta take an exam tomorrow and I haven’t cracked a book yet.


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