I have just been handed the final intelligence report from my agent on the ground, Ali Ibn Bibbin Ben Stein, an Israeli Arab PhD from Penn State who works for an American oil company and doubles as a triple agent of Mossad, the CIA and Walmart. I include it below in full:
I suppose you’re wondering what I’ve been doing since 9/11 over here. Well, I did have a few busy days. When all of that stuff hit the fan that night I was just finishing up a nice meal with Achmed Lagattuta (There are a lot of half breeds in Libya. After all it was conquered by Mussolini back in the day) where I finalized a deal to open the first Walmart in Benghazi. They won’t allow any overweight or toothless people in underwear to shop, but we can get along with that. It’s some violation of Sharia, I think.
I know that you’re really interested in finding out what really happened that night. Here is the straight scoop. At about 9:00PM, just as we were finishing our second orange crush, Akky’s iPhone rang. His ring tone is a nice tune by the Libyan cutie, Moobar Goofootammy called “I love My Chickens”. I only heard his side of the conversation, but Akky was by turns disturbed and excited by what he heard on the other end of the line. The call took only about a minute and when he hung up Akky looked me straight in the eye and said,
“That was my good friend Vance. Well we all call him Vance cause he liked the guy who played Vance for a couple of seasons on The Dukes of Hazzard. He’s the only guy in Benghazi with a bushy black beard and his hair dyed blond. The Mullah Abdullah don’t like it, but Vance can get a pick-up mounted 50 caliber machine gun and a crew of 20 or 30 bomb wearing potential martyrs into places you wouldn’t think of taking your best goat. Mullahs, even this one, make allowances.”
I smelled something big happening and wanted to know more. If I’d paid more attention I would have recognized the smell as a mixture of cordite and burning cars. But there’d been a lot of that recently in town.
Akky continued, “Vance said that he’s loading up the pick-up with a few thousand rounds and picking up some of his buddies down at the gym behind the mosque where they keep all their weapons and ammo. They got them a bunch of RPGs the US dropped off after we zotzed Ghaddafi, so we could “restore order”. Then they’re gonna go out to the edge of town and do a little night firing.”
The fellas like to go our there and blow old cars apart, I’ve since learned. It’s kind of like some guys I know back here go out in the woods, or down to the gun club and shoot at plunk at paint cans and beer bottles.
“You want another orange crush,” I offered, and Akky nodded. I signaled for the waiter, a medical student at Edinburgh University studying to be a Neurologist, to bring us another two crushes. Then Akky continued, “He laughed when I said, “Oh.” “Nah,” he said to me, “they’re gonna go over and take out the US Consulate. Just kidding.”
We both laughed at the thought of that. I mean most of these guys had gone to school in the States and some even had girl friends they hoped to bring over here some day, or marry and move there. I’d seen the iPhotos they all had taken of them with the Seals and Special Forces guys on the ground here a few weeks ago, smiling and holding up bottles of Coke, or Molotov Cocktails.
“Listen, ” Akky said, as we finished our oranges, “Lance invited me to tag along and take some vids and photos of the fun tonight. You want to come?” “No, ” I replied, “I think I’m gonna go back to my tent and watch some “Little House” re-runs.”
A couple of minutes later, Lance pulled up in his pickup in front of the place. There were about fifteen guys in the back and another four or five in the cab with him. I knew he was coming from about three blocks away because of all the noise the AK-47s were making. As he parked, one of the guys in the back swung the 50 in our direction and took down a young palm tree. I said to Akky, “Wow! These guys are really juiced tonight.” “Yeah,” he answered,” they got a few soles of really good Afghani hash in this afternoon.”
The guy who had the camel rental deal out front was hopping mad because the tree fell on one of his camels. Lance got out of the pick-up and walked over. He made a deal not to kill the guy and gave him a half a sole of hash for the dead camel, a young one. “That’ll make some good soup,” he said as they tied it to the back of the pick-up.
Akky stood up, got his camera, and ran out to join Lance and the other kids at the pick-up. “Sure you don’t want to come?” he yelled as he got in the back. I waved him on and they took off, firing the 50, letting go a few RPGs at the houses still standing, the camel bouncing along behind the truck, swinging from left to right behind it as they swerved to avoid the wrecked cars in the street.
A few minutes later, I walked over the the guy at the camel stump and rented a ride home.
I had just gone to sleep after finishing Season 2 of “Little House” when my phone rang. It was Akky. “Hey, Akky,” I said “Make any more holes in the desert?” “Desert?” He yelled in an excited voice. “We just blew the American Consulate to hell and back and offed the Ambassador and a few guards. They never knew what hit ’em. Man it was Rambo In The Sand tonight!”
“You what!” I exclaimed, wide awake. “Are you guys nuts?”
“Don’t worry,” he said, his voice calmer now. “No one was hurt. And besides, I just got the feed from CNN. Some doofus in the States , the guy who made that dumb Mohammed thing we were all laughing at the other night, is taking all of the heat for the thing. Moohmhar just got a call from his girl, Shirley, in Ohio. She said the guy will probably go to jail.”
“No kidding,” I said. “Yeah,” Akky went on, ” and one of the guys, when he called his brother down in Yemen, the one who’s a pirate, this guy said his brother’s thinking of gettin’ a few of his buddies to go trash a few embassies down there.”
“Well,” I said, “thanks for the call, but I gotta get some sleep.” “Oh, O.K.,” he answered, “sorry to wake you up. But I really called to ask a question. You don’t think this will have any effect on the Walmart deal, or interfere with some of these guys going back to school do you?” I thought about that for a few seconds and then answered, “Nah, why should it. They got the guy who caused it all, didn’t they? Anybody asks any of you about it, just tell them you were there to help.”
“Yeah, that’s what we figured to do.” he hung up, and I went back to sleep. A couple of days later we all got together for some camel soup and a few laughs.
See you in Panama City at Spring Break,