Tag Archives: hilarious time

Administrative Manual Update: 01-10-2012

(Many years ago I was privileged to be assigned to the Headquarters of a large government agency and found myself in Washington, By God, DC, where I languished for three of the best and worst years of my life. In so many ways they were the most bizarre and hilarious time of my life.   During that time one of my tasks involved writing bits and pieces of a number of training manuals, reports and “papers” for people who were very important and could not take the time to write them themselves.  I never forgot how to do it, nor why it was done, and it has been the primary reason I have spent all these long years in therapy.  Below is something I wrote a number of years ago when I was no longer at the Seat of Government, wonderfully acronymed as SOG.  You must understand that this is very serious stuff.)




The purpose of this directive is to standardize the use of Paper Perforators throughout D–/OIG.  This Directive, herinafter referred to as AMD019/Jun/HQAID CH 3.52a for purposes of brevity and clarity, also establishes the Office of Perforation Management (OPM) at the National Office (N.O.) and creates within each OIG Region the position of Regional Perforation Officer  (R.P.O.)to instruct field professional staff in the handling and use of issue paper perforators and to monitor adherence to the Perforation Guidelines (PGs) set out below, and to be amended/updated and otherwise  enhanced as time and circumstance dictate.  RPO’s will be required to submit a report on Perforation Monitoring (RPM) each quarter


This directive is applicable to all OIG Personnel whose Position Description (PD) mandates the use of Paper Perforaters and to such other OIG personnel whose duties and responsibilities will from time to time be extended and increased to require the temporary use of one or more Government Issue Paper Perforator Types (PPTs).  (NOTE: Temporary Paper Perforation Operation (TPPO) is covered in AMD 155/Feb/HQAID CH12.5a:ii)


All OIG personnel currently assigned to duties in the above categories shall follow the instructions set out below. Responsibility for following these directives ceases upon transfer and shall not apply thereinafter. Previously Responsible Personnel (PRP) are responsible for notifying the responsible PRO of their Change in Responsibility Status (CRS) as per the requirements outlined in AMD027/NOV/HQAID CH 0101.2.ii(d)sub.5 (as amended).


AMS is aware of the existence of localized paper perforation methods.  These methods make for a confusing situation when positioning of paper reports over two and three pronged paper fasteners or within two and three ringed binders is required.  With this directive the standard non deviational method for proper Paper Perforation is hereby established throughout OIG


1.     One adjustable three-hole, hand-lever paper perforator; protective base, desk model round hole, 9″ scale at perforator top, 13/32″ hole, will be issued for each three employees.  Offices currently staffed with less than a number of employees divisible by three will have their issue perforators rounded to the next lowest number.  (NOTE: In the event that office personnel levels descend below the number three, application may be made to OPM in a timely manner for an exception to this standard as per AMD52a/NOV/HQAID CH11o.3(rev).A.1a, continued use of existing perforation equipment may be made while application decisions are pending except in those instances when offices are closed or otherwise unoccupied.)

2.      Adjustable three hole, hand-lever, paper perforators will be calibrated at 1″, 4″ and 7″ by the RPO.  Re-calibration may only be done by qualified professionals.  Calibration Qualification Training (CQT) will be conducted by the RPO at Regional Calibration Training Facilities (RCTF) or at NO.  Calibration Qualified Personnel (CQP’s) will re-qualify on the Adjustable three-hole, hand-lever paper perforator at least once quarterly.  (NOTE: Calibration Qualification Training (CQT) will be accomplished by the RPO at the Regional Calibration Facility (RCF).  All CQT RCF facilities will receive regular inspections from the OPM Inspection Force (OPM/IF) as per requirements and standards established at the time of OPM’s creation.) Calibrators must achieve a Calibration Tolerance (CT) to within 1/16″ minimum average deviation from standard per each hole punched.  Failure to achieve CT will result in the loss of Calibration Certification(CC) and Calibrator Premium Pay (CPP) for the next subsequent period.

3.   Adjustable three-hole, hand-lever, paper perforators will be used for 8 1/2″ x 11″ paper only.  They may only be applied to the left hand text side of the sheet being operated on and may not be used in any other fashion.  Paper perforated in other than the the abovein described fashion will be rejected as non-perforated (NP) by the RPO and returned to the Perforating Agent (PA) by the RPO for re-perforation.  Personnel consistently mis-perforating will have their perforation privileges (PP) suspended until such time as they have successfully been re0cycled through the RCTF for CQT.


1.      The non-adjustable, two-hole, hand-lever operated paper perforator with protective base will be standard issue office property to all OIG personnel.  All personnel will be trained in the use, care and maintainance of this in-valuable time saving device. (REF: AMD010/DEC/051.a.12/B2x)

2.      The two-hole, hand-lever, paper perforator will be used as needed on both 8 1/2″ x 11″ and 81/2″ x 14″ paper only.  In the case of 81/2″ x by 14″ paper, the two-hole, hand-lever operated paper perforator may be used only as long as existing supplies last.  Use on 81/2″ x 14′ paper after that time is expressly prohibited and strictly forbidden.  For perforation purposes, the top of a sheet is defined and described as the end of the paper under which the majority of the writing, numbers and/or illustrations appear in an upright position.  For the purposes of this directive the term majority is self-explanatory.  Questionable majority issues will be decided by the RPO after submission using Questionable Majority Issue Referral Form (QMIRF) 1325a-3 within three working days of submission, other duties notwithstanding (REF: AMD010/DEC/051.r.2/N17d).

3.      In the case of blank and not previously perforated sheets of paper, herein defined in accordance with standard procedure as sheets of paper in their original condition and not bearing any marks other than USG approved watermarks, initial perforation may be made at either 81/2″ end with the two-hole perforator.  In exigent circumstances, perforations of blank paper made be accomplished with the three-hole adjustable paper perforator along the 11″ dimension of the sheet. File Uniformity (FU) paper folding operations are to be undertaken to ensure FU after such emergency operations.  In all such cases, nevertheless, the initially perforated edges become and remain the top and left side of the now perforated sheet respectively, REGARDLESS OF FUTURE RE-FORATION PROCEDURES, which may only be made at these loci.



1.      All Special Agent and Audit Personnel are required to familiarize themselves with and become competent in the use of all perforation equipment in the OIG armory.  All such personnel will be issued one corrosion resistant metal Squeeze-Action Paper Punch with knurled handles and 1/4″ hole (SAPP) for field use upon successful completion of the Squeeze Action Paper Punch Course (Basic) (SAPP-C Course).  It should be borne in mind that the SAPP is a light duty piece of equipment intended for no more than occasional field use under exigent circumstances.  Use of the SAPP will be closely monitored by the RPO.

2.  The SAPP may be used on all sizes of paper in a manner dictated by circumstance, provided its use ad-hoc application does not preclude more lasting and uniform paper perforation in keeping with Regional and National standards and perforation guidelines.

3.      Personally owned SAPPS may be used by Special Agent or Auditor personnel provided they have conformed them to agency standards,  Off duty use or carrying of the SAPP is not at this time condoned for OIG personnel.

4.     Further perforation instructions will be issued with initial publication of the Quarterly Perforation Report (OIG Form POI/5250-3G/aia)